Navigating the highs and lows of online dating - from ghosting to elusive connections - calls for a blend of empathy, patience, and smart strategies.
Too many matches? Or none at all? That annoying person who fancied you and then never writes back? If you have entered the online dating realm before you will probably have faced some of these issues along the way. Between high expectations, seemingly perfect profiles and the frustration that builds up – I’m going to address some of the key aspects which can help ameliorate the experience for beginners or people who have been at it for a while.
<span class="firstcharacter">O</span>ver the years digitisation has changed our societies and cultures incredibly fast, establishing new forms of communication and perception of others and time. Simultaneously it has been adding to an increasing alienation between people resulting in the loss of interhuman capacities and capabilities.[1] Online dating is situated right in the centre of it all.
Whether through Bumble, Tinder, Grindr, Hinge or Feeld there is a relatively high number of people who actually end up in relationships with people they’ve met online. Even today though, only a large minority of people uses online dating services).[2, 3] Despite the tremendous prospects for finding a connection digitally, this dating variant is riddled with issues from indifferent behaviour masked by anonymity to algorithms and categories which dictate whom you are worthy to meet and fall in love with.
The following tips are based on my own mixed experiences with a bunch of apps.[4] I compiled a selection of methods and principles – by no means exhaustive – to help you find your bearings in what can be a challenging process at times. A small caveat: These pieces of advice are directed more towards people who are looking for a deeper connection:
<span class="headingcolor">Everyone’s busy (and proud of it).</span> On the one hand that may be true for the people you are writing to. It could apply to them because of their demanding job, their status as a single parent or the variety of hobbies or voluntary duties they're involved in. Of course, that begs the question whether some of them do prioritise dating enough or have the capacity to actually give it a proper shot.
The other side of it is that busyness can also be a status symbol in Western countries.[5, 6, 7] So people might overemphasise their lack of time to seem less available and thus more desirable. But if you are the one being busy and may not have time to send a timely reply, send the other person a short response saying exactly that. I think that's one polite way to do it and has the tactical advantage of keeping the other person from unmatching for a while. Also, I don’t think you always need a highly individualised message for that. Just letting people know that you will get back to them soon will do – see point 6. Of course, there could be other mechanisms at play (see point 4).
<span class="headingcolor">Add a feature to display app-use time.</span> That way users can see exactly how many minutes/hours they have been using the app on a daily basis similar to the one provided by Instagram etc. Online dating apps can be highly addictive and being upfront about it will improve people’s experiences. To find out why that is probably not going to happen see point 16.
<span class="headingcolor">Keep in mind that people have schedules.</span> In general, people are more likely to answer when they’re not working. But they may also have varying work schedules or daily routines. Don’t become impatient if someone doesn't answer you within the next few hours. They might also appear to be online but I wouldn’t place much importance on those ›currently active‹ indicators most apps have these days. They seem useful but even if the person really is online, they could be writing with another user. So, unless a real conversation has begun with you and the other person, don’t worry too much about their online status.
That being said, patience has its limits and if you seriously want to get to know someone via online dating and you feel like the other person is taking quite long to answer, proactively and politely seek out a response (within socially acceptable norms). I always think: If the person – even as a first impression – is somewhat interested in connecting with you they will find some time to send you a quick reply. Of course, you might have different communicative needs or are in different situations (schedule-wise) which would make it more difficult to establish a good conversation flow.
<span class="headingcolor">That being said, have a system in place to deal with irritating online behaviour.</span> Some phenomena like ghosting, benching, zombieing/ submarining[8] have been created or have become potentiated in the digital world and can be truly aggravating, especially in online dating.
Sometimes there is a tacit agreement: Both people stop writing each other on a mutual basis or agree on not being each other’s top priority. But if the other person suddenly stops writing or starts »breadcrumbing« you'll want to behave accordingly.
For instance, establish a three-strike rule for communicative behaviour if their actions don't align with your principles – no matter how attractive they may seem.
<span class="headingcolor">Reserve some time to date and try to stick to that time frame.</span> Don’t open the apps whenever you are bored. Choose a specific time of day and set aside 15-30 minutes for swiping and, potentially more when you feel like there is potential in a connection. In combination with a dedicated time slot, disabling push notifications for these apps can work really well. Like any dopamine-inducing digital activity (e.g. doomscrolling on Instagram or TikTok) using dating apps can lead to addictive behaviour and will lower your ability to concentrate. Once a user told me about becoming all giddy when she noticed that little ›+1‹ icon on her inbox. This also relates to points 2 and 16. If a conversation is about to lead to a date it could be worth investing more time. Also, you might want to reserve some evenings of your week to go on dates but also have a backup plan. This will increase your chances of actually getting to know someone as people’s attention might just be very short-lived online and they may not want to arrange a date that’s two weeks into the future.
<span class="headingcolor">Add a feature to automatically block messages which are shorter than a few words.</span> This prevents users from sending short one-word messages such as »hi«. This could actually give such users some pause and to make them become more creative. And it might even raise the bar for bots. The feature could be optional to users who want to filter out the more high-quality messages.
<span class="headingcolor">As a male user keep the female or non-binary experience in mind.</span> That means that dating for female or non-binary users is very different than dating for male ones – in essence it is associated with much more danger and threat when it comes to in-person dates. In general, it doesn’t hurt to try to assume the other’s position once in a while to understand where they are coming from, right? That’s just as relevant when it comes to people from marginalised groups or minorities. On that note: While men are generally more prone to looking for more casual connections than women, it seems as though this sort of motivation is quite popular among women as well. It is also seen as a valid starting point for a deeper romantic relationship. There are a few meta-studies which indicate that the old stereotype of men looking for sex and women for relationships doesn’t seem to be true. Motivations for online dating appear to be much more nuanced.[3, 9] At the same time it is equally important to look at communicative patterns as in: How people approach the same goals online which can differ depending on the gender.
<span class="headingcolor">Don’t treat people you write with as online objects.</span>Of course many people would not consciously say: »To me this is not a person - just a match.« But through gamification and the commodification of emotions and expectations dating apps quickly push their own dynamics onto you. A person becomes a photo. A match becomes an opportunity. Some people share the opinion that matches or online conversations don’t really matter and I get where they are coming from - after all you don't even know whether there really is a real person on the other side.
But I approach the topic a bit differently and believe that every (substantial) conversation should be treated as though a real person is on the other side of the screen.
Sure, that requires a bit more internal effort than just putting the person in a box for your own desires (and may involve some dangers – see points 14 and 15) but ultimately it is one central aspect of avoiding harmful Internet anonymity and alienation. I haven’t always excelled at that myself but it is a good principle to stick to. Also, display empathy and be lenient if the person doesn’t behave exactly like you want them to (within normal boundaries). Maybe they are distracted or having a bad day. This requires investing time and effort, which many people are unwilling to do. But I think showing empathy goes a long way. Being authentic and open to other people’s differences as well. So far the feedback I received when employing these methods was great.
To read the second and third part of this series you can click here and here.
You can read a final conclusion in the third and last article of this series.
<span class="headingcolor" style="display: block; text-align: center;">Thanks for your attention!</span>
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Let me know what you think