<span class="firstcharacter">M</span>aybe you are one of the people who devote about 50 – 90 minutes per day to dating apps. Depending on the survey you consult, either men or women spend more daily time on online dating. This can also depend on the generation you are from,[1] with the average user logging in around ten times or more per day. Due to this sort of intermittent engagement, it is easy to overlook the total amount of time that you have spent on these apps.
If successful, this process can lead to a great new connection and you might feel that the effort that you put in was completely worth it. If not, it can lead to cognitive dissonance.
One of the consequences of the latter is many people suffering from a sort of online dating burnout[2, 3, 4] If you use dating platforms regularly, it is important to have a small strategy or a few mechanisms in place to avoid the more harmful sides as pointed out in the first and second article of the series.
In the following I’m going to talk a bit more about expectation management and methods to create a more successful outcome to the whole experience:
<span style="display: block; text-align: center;">16.</span>
Expectations:
<span class="headingcolor">Don’t give in to the illusion that these apps’ main objective is to connect people.</span> That may have been the idea at the very beginning and is still one of their purposes (which you can make use of) but not their main goal. It may seem like a bleak conclusion but it is the reality of it all. Their chief objective – which has been proven over and over again – is to make money[5] and your data,[6] or the money you spend on their services, is how they do it. Here the usual truism also applies: »If you are not paying for the product, you are the product.«
Some indicators as to why that is rather obvious (next to various reports on the Internet) and which you can observe yourself:
- They do not immediately provide you with the people who like your profile to create matches.
- There are special categories for ›especially attractive‹ people.
- There is a tier system to unlock features which are essential to the app (e.g. a lot of basic filters).
- Standard filters often do not work correctly if you are using the free version of the app (depending on the app).
- Once you sign up your profile receives an ›attention peak‹ at the beginning. To get that dopamine system going. Afterwards your profile seems much less likely to appear in front of other users.
The companies of these apps try to keep you on them for as long as they can and don’t shy away from using highly addictive methods to do so.[7] If they wanted to employ algorithms with the main objective to connect people they would have already done a far better job. But that would render their business model obsolete. These apps are owned by multibillion-dollar companies (E.g. Hinge, Tinder, OkCupid and a dozen more are owned by Match Group, Inc. – Bumble and Badoo are owned by Bumble, Inc.). They are publicly traded, meaning they are incentivised to make as much money as possible for their investors. That’s not to say that these apps don’t work at all – they could just work much, much better if the creators wanted them to.
<span style="display: block; text-align: center;">17.</span>
Methods and principles:
<span class="headingcolor">Be upfront with what you want (why you are using the app) – even if you don’t clearly know for yourself.</span> These days, some apps feature various options to choose from – whether it is ›figuring out your dating goals‹ or aiming for ›long-term with children‹. On certain apps these filters work well, on others not at all. It is impossible to say how that will impact your results but either way: In most cases you will not increase your success rate by implying one thing and secretly pursuing another. Whether you want to convey that through a category, profile text or mention it in a conversation is up to you (see also point 18.). That being said, depending on the subject, of course it is OK to wait until the first date before disclosing sensitive or highly personal information. Naturally, there are more indirect ways of breaching these subjects without going down the full »I’m looking for, you’re looking for« path. But making sure early on that you are on the same page about the big issues is not only an effective but also efficient method.
<span style="display: block; text-align: center;">18.</span>
Expectations and methods:
<span class="headingcolor">Don’t put too much stock in labels. Or: Don’t judge a book by its cover.</span> Yes, dating apps have come a long way and created a plethora of ways to individualise your profile. To feed the supposedly sophisticated algorithms you can create audio and video prompts, short questionnaires and complex question-and-response features. Overall, the covers of these ›books‹ have become more complex. As always there are at least two sides to that development: On the one hand, if these obscure algorithms and filters worked according to promise you could meticulously filter out people who don’t meet your criteria or find those who do. On the other hand, you may miss out on those who don’t attach too much meaning to those labels.
In my experience, certain labels people choose may not be as significant as you might think. Users sometimes utilise those labels to maximise their search results, perceived attractiveness or matches.[8]
But they may also have a varying understanding of what such a label means to them. For instance: People may write that they are ›monogamous‹ but when asked about the subject they can have a more flexible stance even though they wouldn’t call themselves non-monogamous. The same goes for food preferences or drinking habits or even their relationship ideals. It’s a different story if they double down on these things and explicitly mention them in their profile texts again. Different people might also attach different meanings to these labels which, in turn, also depends on how they use these apps. If they are casual and occasional users they might just select random labels and provide arbitrary answers. If they are motivated to find someone to start a deeper relationship with they could be more inclined to put some thought into these structures.
<span style="display: block; text-align: center;">19.</span>
Methods and principles:
<span class="headingcolor">Make a list of green and red flags.</span> If you go at it for a longer time you don’t belong to the lucky people who find their match within the first two or three weeks (I know a few). In this case online dating can become frustrating at times because of the dynamics you experience. This also relates to point 4. So, dive into the things that are important to you and set clear boundaries (e.g. the person should be willing to meet within x days; she can talk openly about her feelings; he is willing to meet in a public place first without making a fuss, they want to have children – or not). Also, think about your own motivation as to why you are using the app and let that inform your list and your ›swiping‹ behaviour. Dive into the things which are hard passes and those which you can compromise on, but also include a few traits which you would be thrilled to find in a person. It’s a good exercise either way.
<span style="display: block; text-align: center;">20.</span>
Technical (App):
<span class="headingcolor">Create a filter for users to set a daily limit for messages they can receive.</span> And have a corresponding notification be sent to the user on the other end of the line. This will give (mostly female) users a break from having to respond to too many incoming messages at a time. Over the years I only discovered one app that had such a feature, rarely showing the message: »The user’s inbox is full/ The user has received too many messages.« when I wanted to contact them.
<span style="display: block; text-align: center;">21.</span>
Methods:
<span class="headingcolor">Only ›like‹ whom you really like.</span> This relates to point 8 and 19. Take a moment to look at the other’s profile and make a conscious choice. Don’t let your subconsciousness or drives (completely) dictate the way you look at people. I know, with the whole gamification and swiping mechanics it is easier said than done. But mass-swiping doesn’t work anyway and will mostly only result in unwanted matches (male users) and too many matches (female users).
<span style="display: block; text-align: center;">Conclusion</span>
Digitisation has taken a toll and left people quite alienated from one another. On the one hand, dating apps exacerbate that development because of their underlying business model. On the other hand, they offer a great opportunity to meet people whom you want to connect with – especially if they don’t appear in your usual social circle or generally seem unavailable to you.
If you tend to be on the shy or more introverted side of the spectrum this can be a blessing. They allow you to take the necessary steps without the attached psychological strain. It’s easier to overcome the original first challenge.
However, use these services with caution, and consciously. They are an alternative to in-person dating but come with some big caveats. If you are serious about creating a deeper connection with someone through these platforms, see them as regulated tools, not as a spare-time activity.
I have had many great dates through these apps while also having encountered a lot of the abovementioned problems. In the end I believe it is better to spend as little time as possible under the auspices of dating app companies and meet the person you match with as quickly as possible in real life instead. That may seem like the bigger effort at first but it is probably the more effective way to date.
To read the first and second part of this series you can click here and here.
<span class="headingcolor" style="display: block; text-align: center;">Thanks for your attention!</span>
Let me know what you think