<span class="firstcharacter">T</span>his can certainly result in the opportunity of a lifetime. Finding a person you click and connect with. Deleting the app. Being done with it. But as I pointed out in the first part of this article series it is a good idea to not respond to these impulses every time they pop up. The companies behind online dating apps want you to spend as much time on them as possible (although they use contradictory marketing) which is why they play with your expectations and dopamine reward system.[1]
In the following I’m going to address why the odds of encountering people who want to meet offline are actually lower than I expected and how you can become a bit more aware of the deeply problematic sides of online dating:
<span style="display: block; text-align: center;">9. </span>
Principles:
<span class="headingcolor">People seem perfect – they never are. Which is a good thing.</span> As I mentioned before (point 8) on dating apps there is a certain tendency to objectify people. When meeting someone face-to-face you wouldn’t just suddenly leave a conversation without saying a word or divide your attention between them, two other people and your open browser tabs or Netflix series. These things can usually happen because of an excess of perceived opportunities and a lack of accountability.
The first thing you will often see is a photo of the person – probably one of their best shots. And a profile that they think others should see. Sometimes they appear to be larger-than-life. But the ensuing online communication usually takes place in written form which will be messy. And catching nuances such as sarcasm or irony therein is much more difficult.
Misunderstandings are bound to happen. So don’t be afraid to make mistakes yourself but don’t be too proud to apologise either.
This may seem self-evident but is still a major problem for many people in their daily lives, let alone online. If the other person is essentially ›non-existent‹ why should I apologise and not just unmatch? Easier right? I believe this will (and already has) lead to much more frustration. Also, their reaction after your apology (depending on the topic) will immediately tell you a lot about them.
<span style="display: block; text-align: center;">10.</span>
Methods:
<span class="headingcolor">Don’t try to argue or fight online.</span> Surely, the potential for that is out there since online you will come in contact with people from outside your social bubble. I mean, obviously it is ok to have a vivid conversation about controversial topics. But it makes no sense to continue that to a point of arguing online. Why would they have a reason to be convinced of another’s (your) opinion? You don’t know each other yet. And most people want the online experience to be light and fluffy, not an extra burden. Moreover, a person can always just unmatch or jump out of the conversation which can result in a highly frustrating experience for the other. If a conflict does arise: Try to deescalate – also see points 8 and 9. If the person isn’t willing to jump onto the harmony wagon don’t be afraid to unmatch or block them (after some pause and a proper warning) – that’s what these features are there for. Also, generally speaking: Written disputes are never really a good idea.
<span style="display: block; text-align: center;">11.</span>
Methods:
<span class="headingcolor">Don’t create match clutter.</span> Say you’ve piled up 20 matches. And you don’t really feel like writing to all of them. Why not just delete (some of) them? Benching matches will probably not lead to a great connection anyway. Practice some online hygiene and be concise about it. Also, if someone only writes »Hi« to you and they don’t seem that interesting, just unmatch or send them a standard reply about not being interested after all. That’s a concise and organised way to avoid confusion and to respect the fact that there are always expectations lurking around somewhere when matching with someone. And if things like a simple »Hi« are a sort of deal-breaker for you – then it’s even easier. But maybe specify that in your profile beforehand. For instance: For me it is not a problem to receive such a simple but boring opener or a gif. But as soon as I notice that the person doesn’t pose any (follow-up) questions if I respond, I unmatch rather quickly.
<span style="display: block; text-align: center;">12.</span>
Methods and principles:
<span class="headingcolor">Distinguish between fantasy and reality.</span> That is especially important for male users and also relates to point 8.
The fast-paced and sometimes high-octane nature of online dating promises your brain quick results and dopamine releases and caters to your basic instincts.
Especially with all those men and women who upload a plethora of half-naked photos or perfect keywords. You may think »He would be perfect boyfriend material – let’s dive right in!« or »She looks absolutely gorgeous – I need to meet her now!« But all of this remains a fantasy until you actually encounter the person in real life. Take a step back before you write the first message and think about whether you would also say what you are about to if the other person was in front of you.
It’s not a perfect comparison because online communication is different. So, it can be a bit of a slippery slope: On the one hand you don’t want to come across as too detached, on the other you don’t want to project all of your desires and wishes onto the other person and maintain some healthy distance (always good advice anyway). The keyword here is: expectation management. If you get along in real life – that’s where reality can inform your fantasies. But don’t jump the gun – especially when it comes to sexual fantasies – unless the other person has agreed to it.
<span style="display: block; text-align: center;">13.</span>
Expectations:
<span class="headingcolor">Keep in mind that people’s intentions for using these apps differ greatly.</span> Many users on dating apps are not there to seek a deeper, romantic real-life connection, meaning they won’t want to meet you offline or potentially, only for a casual or platonic connection.[2] Many are there to test their ›market value‹, to push their Instagram accounts, to seek attention, self-validation, to cheat on their partners or simply because they are bored. This has been researched but was also indicated to me personally in profiles and conversations. They may also be from other countries and use a different location to improve their chances. So, the overall number of people who are interested in meeting someone is much lower than the number of profiles you will come across – see point 14. Luckily there are still many people out there who, just like you, are looking for that common connection. Statistically speaking it’s simply just about half of the real users.
<span style="display: block; text-align: center;">14.</span>
Expectations and methods:
<span class="headingcolor">Not everyone on these apps is real.</span> You will most certainly encounter a number of bots and fake profiles or scammers.[3] It varies from app to app, from the occasional very obvious ›one-pixelated-profile-photo‹ variant to the more sophisticated identity thief. Some might even be created by the apps themselves to fill the inevitable gaps. Look for patterns to avoid wasting time on those (e.g. only low-quality images, vague and generic profile texts, soliciting off-app services or explicit sexual content – depending on the app). Scamming can result in various negative experiences which range from annoying to absolutely detestable. But there is an even more abhorrent side to this development as the people on the other side might also be victims of large-scale organised crime.[4] This problem may be more specific to male users.
<span style="display: block; text-align: center;">15.</span>
Methods:
<span class="headingcolor">Don’t become impatient when things seem too good to be true.</span> Online they usually are. And: Don’t let yourself be pressured into things you are not comfortable with. The other person might just be seeking attention but they might also be an unscrupulous manipulator or scammer.
Trust your intuition: If something seems off – it usually is. The other person might just be having a bad day but it’s better to be safe than sorry and to dispel your suspicions.
Don’t disclose any personal information unless you are sure enough that the other person is who they claim they are. Don’t be afraid to ask for simple verification methods (e.g. have them take an individualised photo). Even then the person might just disappear before a date and never respond to you again because of the abovementioned motivations. It’s highly frustrating and in some cases you may want to report it to the app if you suspect a scam. In most cases it’s just not worth the hassle and the best way is to shrug it off and move on. Don’t take it to heart – there are still many genuine users out there.
To read the first and third part of this series you can click here and here.
You can read a final conclusion in the third and last article of this series.
<span class="headingcolor" style="display: block; text-align: center;">Thanks for your attention!</span>
Let me know what you think